Monday, May 19, 2014

How my life changed, part II

Yesterday I wrote about how my life changed after having bariatric surgery. It's absolutely true that my life is very different now than it used to be. But you might get the idea that only bad things happened to me and that isn't true. A lot of really cool things happened as a result of choosing to have bariatric surgery.

One thing was that in losing my job, I found a new and really really cool new job. I got paid to be a really smart person for the State. I read medical records as well as activities of daily living in order to determine if someone met the eligibility requirements to receive disability benefits. It was an amazing job and I loved it.

I learned to love exercise. My idea of fun is weight lifting while music is blasting in my ears. I jealously guard my time to go to yoga class with an instructor I love and think completely rocks yoga in a way no one else does.

I learned to be alone and love it. I think that coming home to my own space and hanging out with my cats and books and Netflix is fantastic as well as sacrosanct. I get annoyed and curmudgeonly when I feel I'm low on quality time with myself, my thoughts and feelings.

Another thing is that I got to wear bras with under wires, sexy or cute underpants with funny sayings or designs, high heels, and buy clothes off the rack without having to always try them on. I could shop at thrift store and always find something that fit and flattered me.

I became someone sexy and desirable. Yes, oh yes that confused me but it also empowered me. Having people cross the room to talk to me is surprising and flattering and something I do not take for granted. I suck at flirting but I just call it a part of my charm.

I got a libido. Yeah, along with turning 40, I found a sex drive. AND I also discovered men aren't gross and are often fun to play with and sleep with and love. And I love women. Now I love men. I love the differences between men and women and value each person for who they are, not what they do. I don't limit myself to a gender. For that matter, I love my trans partners as well.

I've fallen in love. With multiple people. Simultaneously. In being loved simply for being me, I've found the value of myself and what I bring to a relationship that supercedes any need to be someone's one and only.

I have been loved and treasured. Hell, I am still loved and treasured. Sometimes I have no idea how or why this has happened, but I've also learned not to question but just revel in the joy of it. During the darkest of times, they have been the one light still shining and guiding me. They have caught me when I was cast out, rescued me, healed me, been patient with me, and continue to love me. Just thinking about them now makes me cry tears of sheer joy.

I have children in my life. I never had enough faith in myself to take the leap of faith to have a child of my own, yet there are children in my life and they are a singular joy to me. Sure, my relationship with their parents has morphed and evolved and sex is scheduled around things like nap time or which parent has the child, but I think having kids around has been an enriching experience and one I am damn lucky to be a part of.

I unloaded a crap load of stuff from my life. I've pared my possessions down to the essentials and love the freedom from useless crap it brings me. Now, that being said, I still have way more kitchen stuff than truly necessary but everyone has to have one area in which they go overboard. Well, that and books. There are some books and authors I just cannot part with, but that's okay.

I have saggy skin and boobs that sink to my waist and most days I just don't care. I wear clothes that I like and have a style that is my own. I stopped coloring my hair red and switched to blue. I cut my hair short and love that nature provides my own highlights. I like wearing dresses, tights, and mary janes. I love presenting a semi-conservative image while being kinky as fuck. I think corsets are sexy.

In short, the challenges of the last 8 years have taught me what is valuable and what just doesn't matter. Yes, my life is very very different. I cannot say that it is better or worse. It is just different. When you make a life-changing decision, you cannot argue when life changes drastically. Remember, you ASKED for this. In asking for change, don't be surprised when you get exactly that. The only option you get is whether to take the change gracefully or be a total dick. Don't be a dick.

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