Monday, February 28, 2011

missing a dominant

Recent readings and discussion with Erik reminds me of how much I miss having either a dominant or a master in my life. I say that knowing full well what a PITA I am about Masters. I love them. I hate them. They hit all of my land-mine buttons and require me to do things I just don't want to do. And yet I still crave it. Someone requiring my submission and letting them dominate me.

I love my lovers. All of them. And I'm firm in that I don't want to give them up. One reason is that they love me and have done nothing to merit me breaking up with them to be monogamous with some one or some leather family. Two is that I am developing my own tribe/poly family with M & B and love what they bring me and what I offer them. Three is that remaining monogamous is just frankly a deal breaker. Honestly, I did not spend all of this time being monogamous and closed to other loves just to end it at the requirement of someone else. Even to achieve a true D/s or M/s relationship. I left another M/s relationship because I just couldn't stomach breaking up with my loves to please someone else. And I love my Erik, my M and my B not to mention my T and possibly others. And making a tribe or extended poly family with M & B is frankly a dream come true. A dream from teenage years when I first learned of extended poly families.

And yet I still crave the dominance of another. I know that Erik and I have talked about it and I truly feel that he has it within himself to truly dominate me. However, life, commitments, and other things eat his time and keep him from truly realizing that potential. Do I love him? Absolutely. Do I hope to submit to him. Yes, wholeheartedly. And will that truly happen? No, not likely. Or at least not in the near future. Sadly.